Are You Punishing Yourself?

I bought new dishes last month. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it was actually kinda important to me. Here’s the story:

When I got divorced almost eight years ago, I felt so guilty and ashamed for wanting to leave my husband that I just gave him everything. The house, the furniture, the electronics, the dishes, everything. I started my Newly Divorced chapter on my own in an apartment with nothing to my name. I scraped up money to buy the essentials, including a cheap set of dishes: 4 plates, 4 bowls, and some random silverware.... And that’s what I’d been using for the past eight years.

For eight years, I sighed unhappily when I pulled those ugly, low-quality plates out of the cabinet.

For eight years, I never had more than four people over for dinner.

It’s weird, but it didn’t really occur to me that I could just go get some more dishes. Deep, deep down, under my newfound happiness, financial independence, and wonderful friend circle, that guilt and shame from leaving my marriage was still festering.

This brings us to recently, when I passed by some beautiful dish sets at a store. The thought crossed my mind, “I wish I could get those.” And, for the first time in eight years, I let myself entertain that thought. “Why can’t I get those?” I’ll attempt to put words to the emotions that went through my head so you can fully understand how deep that wound was:

Me: “Why can’t I get those?”
 Unworthiness: “Um, well, you can’t afford them.” 
 Me: “Actually, yes I can.”
 Unworthiness: “Ermmm, uh, you don’t need them.”
 Me: “I could actually really use them.”
 Unworthiness: “Well you don’t deserve them.”
 Me: “Wait, what???”
 Unworthiness: “Yeah, you don’t deserve them.”
Me: “Why?”
 Unworthiness: “You gave up your dishes when you gave up your marriage.”
Me: “Oh. You’re still hung up on that?”
 Unworthiness: “Well, yeah, this is your punishment.”
Me: “Oh Sweetie. We agreed not to punish our self a lonnnnng time ago, remember?”
 Unworthiness: …. Me: “Ok, we’re getting the dishes.”

And just like that, I was headed home with a set of new dishes. I was proud to put them in my cabinet. Proud to spend my money on them. And proud to pull them out for company.

Do you see how sneaky feelings of unworthiness can be? You might think you have moved on from something and done enough work to heal, but it can still lurk. It keeps you from what you desire. It keeps you from abundance. Abundance is the feeling that there is always enough.

What are your “dishes”? What are you holding yourself back from, either consciously or unconsciously?

All of our love letters this month are geared toward helping you feel more worthy and bringing more abundance into your life. If you’re not signed up for them, you can do so here. (They’re 100% free!)

You are worthy because you are. You are worthy of good dishes, good friends, joy, respect at work, and so, so much more.  We will see you soon for more of this important conversation. ❤️

❥ Kristen

Check out our themed piece of inspiration jewelry for the month.